Different Kind of Hipster

Surgery again. Yes, indeedy. I have to have surgery to fix dysplasia in my left hip. The socket isn't big/closed enough to house my femur. I suspected as much starting on Thursday morning last week when I got out of bed to find that I could barely put weight on my left leg. Even for a cripple, it was alarming. It kind of feels like how that guy who ran the marathon and then collapsed all awkwardly because his muscles stopped working looked. You know that guy?

OK, that wasn't it, but it made me laugh.

It just felt totally off. I went to the doctor today knowing full well what was in store. I don't need x-rays to tell me my hip is partially dislocated. Go figure.

Here's how getting my x-rays taken went:

Nurse: Just head in the door on the left.
John: OK, thanks.
Kooky Tech: Hi, there!
J: Hello.
KT: (supersonic mumble) Cnnnoostand?
J: What?
KT: Can you stand?
J: Oh, yeah.
KT: Great! (pause, to Lauren in supersonice mumble) Arrrrooooprgnt?
Lauren: What?
KT: (ss mumble) Anychcccceooooprgnt?
L: What?
KT: A-n-y c-h-a-n-c-e y-o-u a-r-e p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t?
L: Oh! No.
J: (laughing) That would be news to me!
KT: (covers John's ears, laughing) Are you pregnant?

He thought all of that was so funny. When I sat back down in my wheelchair he also said that, "you're like all of my old ladies, just plopping down like that!" God, what a card. After returning to the examination room, Lauren was quick to inform me that, while she couldn't really tell if my hip was out of socket from the x-ray, she could see my penis. Like totally, clearly, in all of its glory -- my wiener.

I didn't 100% believe it at the time. We'll come back to that. Then the doctor came in. We talked about my pain for a while and then the conversation turned to my past surgeries.

Doc: Who did your last osteotomy?
J: Doctor Herring at Scottish Rite in Dallas.
D: Tony Herring?
J: Yeah.
D: Oh great! I went to med school with his daughter.
J: Oh yeah? He's a good guy.
D: Yes he is.
J: He also did my scoliosis surgery.
D: (gets up and leaves without saying a word, leaves the door open behind him)
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7 minutes later...
D: (comes back in)
J: Hey there.
D: (leans over Lauren, looks at GRE math book) You doin some math, there?
L: (pause) Yeah. I have the GRE tomorrow.
J: We're both really bad at math.
D: I'm doing Kumon with my kid right now -- we're doing stuff like 12 + 8 and I'm all banging my head against the desk.
J: Uh huh.
D: Right, so you have dysplasia in your left hip...

I can't really describe to you how amazing it was how he just fucking peaced out for seven minutes without saying a goddamn thing about it. Long story short, he referred me to some doctors at Southwestern that I'll need to get in touch with. If any of this sounds familiar to you, it should. I had hip dysplasia in my right hip when I was thirteen. The recovery from the surgery then was horrible, but it should be much less horrible this time around. Something about how my pelvis wasn't fully grown when I was kid and how I had to keep my hips stationary and blah blah blah medical shit blah blah blah. I'm just so fucking happy I won't have to be in bed for two months straight. I don't know when I'm having surgery, but it'll probably be relatively soon (long before the end of October, I'm guessing). I'll keep everyone posted, though.

The link I'm about to post is a Xanga entry I just created with the two x-rays after the jump. I'm serious about this: if you don't want to see what really amounts to my penis, ass cheeks, and scrotum in between at metal hip and a hip without a socket (pretty fucked up), then do not follow the link. I do feel weird about posting this, but I think it's very funny that x-ray technology today does involve the vague outline of one's genitals. If you're very creeped out that I did this and don't find the humor in it, please tell me. Seriously, it won't offend me. I think it's hilarious, though.

And here it is.

UPDATE: I took the most obvious one down. I'm such a wuss. I think the one that's still up is funnier, though.




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