Different Kind of Hipster

Surgery again. Yes, indeedy. I have to have surgery to fix dysplasia in my left hip. The socket isn't big/closed enough to house my femur. I suspected as much starting on Thursday morning last week when I got out of bed to find that I could barely put weight on my left leg. Even for a cripple, it was alarming. It kind of feels like how that guy who ran the marathon and then collapsed all awkwardly because his muscles stopped working looked. You know that guy?

OK, that wasn't it, but it made me laugh.

It just felt totally off. I went to the doctor today knowing full well what was in store. I don't need x-rays to tell me my hip is partially dislocated. Go figure.

Here's how getting my x-rays taken went:

Nurse: Just head in the door on the left.
John: OK, thanks.
Kooky Tech: Hi, there!
J: Hello.
KT: (supersonic mumble) Cnnnoostand?
J: What?
KT: Can you stand?
J: Oh, yeah.
KT: Great! (pause, to Lauren in supersonice mumble) Arrrrooooprgnt?
Lauren: What?
KT: (ss mumble) Anychcccceooooprgnt?
L: What?
KT: A-n-y c-h-a-n-c-e y-o-u a-r-e p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t?
L: Oh! No.
J: (laughing) That would be news to me!
KT: (covers John's ears, laughing) Are you pregnant?

He thought all of that was so funny. When I sat back down in my wheelchair he also said that, "you're like all of my old ladies, just plopping down like that!" God, what a card. After returning to the examination room, Lauren was quick to inform me that, while she couldn't really tell if my hip was out of socket from the x-ray, she could see my penis. Like totally, clearly, in all of its glory -- my wiener.

I didn't 100% believe it at the time. We'll come back to that. Then the doctor came in. We talked about my pain for a while and then the conversation turned to my past surgeries.

Doc: Who did your last osteotomy?
J: Doctor Herring at Scottish Rite in Dallas.
D: Tony Herring?
J: Yeah.
D: Oh great! I went to med school with his daughter.
J: Oh yeah? He's a good guy.
D: Yes he is.
J: He also did my scoliosis surgery.
D: (gets up and leaves without saying a word, leaves the door open behind him)
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7 minutes later...
D: (comes back in)
J: Hey there.
D: (leans over Lauren, looks at GRE math book) You doin some math, there?
L: (pause) Yeah. I have the GRE tomorrow.
J: We're both really bad at math.
D: I'm doing Kumon with my kid right now -- we're doing stuff like 12 + 8 and I'm all banging my head against the desk.
J: Uh huh.
D: Right, so you have dysplasia in your left hip...

I can't really describe to you how amazing it was how he just fucking peaced out for seven minutes without saying a goddamn thing about it. Long story short, he referred me to some doctors at Southwestern that I'll need to get in touch with. If any of this sounds familiar to you, it should. I had hip dysplasia in my right hip when I was thirteen. The recovery from the surgery then was horrible, but it should be much less horrible this time around. Something about how my pelvis wasn't fully grown when I was kid and how I had to keep my hips stationary and blah blah blah medical shit blah blah blah. I'm just so fucking happy I won't have to be in bed for two months straight. I don't know when I'm having surgery, but it'll probably be relatively soon (long before the end of October, I'm guessing). I'll keep everyone posted, though.

The link I'm about to post is a Xanga entry I just created with the two x-rays after the jump. I'm serious about this: if you don't want to see what really amounts to my penis, ass cheeks, and scrotum in between at metal hip and a hip without a socket (pretty fucked up), then do not follow the link. I do feel weird about posting this, but I think it's very funny that x-ray technology today does involve the vague outline of one's genitals. If you're very creeped out that I did this and don't find the humor in it, please tell me. Seriously, it won't offend me. I think it's hilarious, though.

And here it is.

UPDATE: I took the most obvious one down. I'm such a wuss. I think the one that's still up is funnier, though.




"Bruises"
Chairlift

God, I'm Unoriginal

Priya did it. Why shouldn't I? I love to watch myself write, I have nothing better to write about, and I frankly find myself daydreaming about making a room of snobby stage and screen students laugh with admiration on a fairly regular basis. So here goes:

Inside the Actor's Studio with John

1) What is your favorite word?
Daft. I love this word, especially when the Brits say it. I wish I could do a British accent as well as Hugh Laurie can do an American accent.

2) What is your least favorite word?
Moist. No joke. It really is my least favorite. Priya didn't even remind me of it or anything -- that's seriously my answer. What are you looking at?

3) What turns you on?
Being totally helpless with laughter. Ricky Gervais, Michael Cera, Steve Carell, or H. Jon Benjamin are usually involved.

4) What turns you off?
College students. I used to hate high school students, but I'd be that dumb too if I had fucking nothing to really worry or think about. Also, I'm sorry if you're reading this and are a college student. I might hate you, but you're probably an exception.

5) What sound do you love?
Really great videogame music. I know it's lame. I'd say something like "my very favorite band," but that's cheating, isn't it? I like the epic RPG stuff, but recently I've been really impressed with the old stuff. Mega Man music, the Mario theme, etc. I don't like the trend of twerps using 8-bit synth to write original music as popular music. You know? Just not my thing.

6) What sound do you hate?
The Amber Alert sound on the Dallas news stations. Seriously. It's about 21 seconds in and isn't very loud, but you'll get the idea. Fuck.

7) What is your favorite curse word?
I use "fuck" the most, but I have to say I think my very favorite is a simple "asshole." A good "asshole" is hard to find. A well-delivered "asshole" is just delightful. DON'T BE IMMATURE, PEOPLE.

8) What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
I would love to be a lead developer on a critically successful console videogame. I'd love to stand in front of the sweaty masses at E3 or such and really talk about a game I'm proud of and a game that people actually love. I'd like people to feel warm and nostalgic while playing my game. I'd like my game to be one of those games that, years later, sells for hundreds of dollars on eBay because so many people held on to their copies of it. You know?

9) What profession other than yours would you not like to attempt?
Airline pilot. Too much pressure. Too scared of flying. Bad, bad combination of things working there.

10) If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
I've never liked this question. My mind's eye of heaven is more like a feeling than a place. Sitting around a fire during winter, Christmas lights, great TV show on, friends and family around, you know? I'm a massive sap, I know. It's just what I believe, OK? Thanks. But! If this scenario were reality, I guess I'd like it if God said, "Why so surprised? You have to do a lot more than making fun of ugly people to get sent to hell."



"Sex on Fire"
Kings of Leon

Um, Hello?

I don't need to go on a crusade for women. They can do it a lot better and more convincingly than I.

However.

Ohhhhhhhhhh boy, however.

There's a show on E! called "Stars Without Makeup" that I really do need to discuss.

You can guess what the show is about -- tabloid photos are shown of celebrities around town without makeup on. I have a lot of problems with this.

1) I'm no advocate of the idea that celebrities are just like everyone else and don't deserve the kind of scrutiny they get. I don't believe that. I believe that most celebrities, most celebrities, are in the spotlight because they want to be in the spotlight. They get the attention they want. My opinion, whatever. However, I think the behavior of said celebrities should be fair game for scrutiny, but not whether or not Eva Longoria eats lunch with Tony Parker without makeup. She should be scrutinized for eating fucking lunch with Tony fucking Parker, but not the makeup she does or does not wear. Angelina Jolie eats her baby's placenta? OK, that's game for scrutiny, but if she doesn't wear makeup, who gives a shit?

2) I'm getting very tired of the "I Love the....." formula -- people we don't and shouldn't care about spouting off about the absolute zero of popular culture. I don't care how many cars the backup dancers from Danity Kane have. No one should. And female celebrities choosing not to wear makeup is just about the bottom of the barrel.

3) The pictures don't even look that bad, for the most part. Nicolette Sheridan isn't wearing a stitch of makeup yet still looks better than most women I see in a day. Same goes for Kristen Davis.

4) They use mugshots. They kind of gloss over the reason behind the arrest (just a little written blurb at the bottom) and say things like, "Uh, couldn't Mischa Barton [who looked great, anyway] ask the police officer for a second to put on some lip liner? Uh, hellooooooooooo?"

5) They talk about makeup like it's something someone can apply in less than 10 seconds. Anyone who has at least ever spoken to a woman who wears makeup will call shenanigans on this one.

6) Most of the women appear to be wearing some form of makeup. Most are wearing some sort of eye liner or foundation. It's just nit-picky bullshit.

7) We're now to my biggest two reasons. Most of the women are doing something more or less noble or important when pictured. Like Felicity Huffman, for example, was running in a marathon in LA on a Saturday morning and wasn't wearing makeup. Yet they crucified her. Julianne Moore was pushing her child in a stroller for a morning walk. No makeup. Crucifixion. But it doesn't even really matter what they're doing. If they don't want to wear makeup, don't wear makeup.

8) I don't care how gay you are. I don't care how into women's fashion you are. I don't care how many awards you've won for designing women's clothes. If you are a man, you should not be bitching about a woman not wearing makeup. Seriously, don't do it. Be a fucking man. Don't be a fucking weasely prick acting all catty about women who wear less makeup than you. You're not a fucking fashion icon because you wear sparkly glitter makeup around your eyes and Katie Holmes doesn't. You can't be serious going on television and complaining about people who don't wear makeup. Frankly it's not even relevant that I brought up the gay thing. It's not. It just happens that every man on this show moaning about it was gay. I'd like to think that not all gay men feel like they can critique women willy nilly. I can't see Tim Gunn walking up to Heidi Klum and saying some bullshit about how she needs to wear more liquid liner. She's fucking Heidi Klum. Know better than you do now, you bottomfeeding dickwads. Get some class, fellas.

I know I seem very surprised that this show exists. I don't know why. It's just a step down from Perez Hilton. And frankly, women shouldn't be bitching about other women not wearing makeup.

Jesus.

*Sigh*

I just had to discuss that.




"Electric Feel"
MGMT

Cowboys 41, Eagles 37

Instant. Classic.




"Lost!"
Coldplay

Brainbustaaaaaaaaaaaaah

How the Christ did I miss that Okkervil River released a new album?

Jeez.




"Lost Coastlines"
Okkervil River

The Bull Shit Party, Get It?

I'm biased. I know. So bear with me.

I don't write about politics very often -- I'm not very good at it and I usually just end up getting huffy and weird. I feel compelled, though, to write about the perceived mindset of the common Republican voter.

I watched Rudy "I'll Exploit 9/11 Until the Day I Die" Giuliani's speech to introduce Sarah Palin with mouth agape. I don't understand the voter that listens to that speech (it was full of fear-mongering, fact twisting, sarcasm, etc.) and doesn't yell "HORSESHIT" at their TVs. I don't understand the voter that feels like living in the United States means you have to live in fear of "our enemies." I don't understand the voter that thinks that Americans are so far superior to the rest of the world that they don't think basic diplomacy and staying out of everyone's underwear will make all of us safer. I don't understand the voter that likes to make decisions based on fear instead of logic.

Then again, I don't understand anyone who doesn't believe in equal rights for all.

There is certainly snarkiness on the Democratic side. I know. I don't agree with that, either. I guess my issue is while the Dems seem more intent on making it known that they're willing to fiercely debate these issues, the Republicans seem intent on belittling the ideas of half the country.

I can't tell you how much bullshit that is. I find many Republican stances compelling, I do. My parents have raised me to be sympathetic toward conservative fiscalism. I truly believe the wealthy shouldn't be punished for making more. I don't. Doesn't make sense to me. But I'm a social liberal, through and through.

Jesus was a social liberal.

Buddha was a social liberal.

Everyone should be a social liberal. Fuck, I can't even really justify the "liberal" part of that phrase. What's liberal about rights for everyone in this country? It's just the way it should be.

The right to bear arms is the most misinterpreted Amendment in this country, but many conservatives feel that guns should be lightly regulated at best. Nobody studies social trends and politics simultaneously, it seems.

So Sarah Palin.

Like Bush, she seems like a woman I'd enjoy having a few drinks with. I bet she'd be a laugh riot. But are we really supposed to believe that the emporer of mighty Alaska is really more experienced than Obama? Shit, I don't even really care, to be honest. But since the Republicans are making experience just a big fucking deal, is anyone really listening to anyone saying the governor of fucking Alaska of two years has more experience than Obama when it comes to 90% of the things the President of the United States needs to know?

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here.

See, I'm getting huffy and weird.

I didn't like her tone. I didn't like her dismisall of half the fucking country. She summed it up nicely when she compared hockey moms like herself to pit bulls. Hmm, OK, let me try to get into the mindset of the voter that feels like it's fuck-me-sideways brilliant to put someone that brazen in the White House.

By the way, I've personally heard fierce supporters of this McCain-Palin ticket say things like, "it's called the White House for a reason."

I'm serious. And no, I don't believe that all conservatives are racists. I don't. Not by a long shot.

But there's so much misguided fear out there pushing for McCain-Palin it's making me afraid. That's not good, either. I've never felt like if the election goes in one direction and not the other we're all totally fucked. I know a lot felt like that four years ago, but I really didn't. Now I am. Now I'm convinced that we really have to do something drastically different and, more importantly, something smart.

Their fear is making me fear.

*Sigh*

Like I said, I'm not great when it comes to politics.




"Raspberry Beret"
Prince

Michael Palin

I must briefly comment on the brilliant irony that is Sarah Palin's rigid stance on sex education in this country. Someone should ask her if abstinence education worked for her daughter.

Also, her? Really?




"Phantom Limb"
The Shins